My mother-in-law called today to wish us a happy Easter. I said, "Every time I think of the crucifixion, I commit the sin of envy." Simone Weil, fucked up Catholic that she was, actually says this in her autobiography. I've always found that screamingly funny.
But then, I have a peculiar sense of humor, which this particular mother-in-law lacks. "What?" she said, "is that supposed to be funny?"
Apparently, she's a serious Christian. How was I to know?
So, in her honor, here's my Easter blog post. The three best Jesus jokes on the internet, sez me, in ascending order.
Best Jesus Joke: Third Place
Three departed souls were standing at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter said to them, "In order to enter these gates, you must first tell me the meaning of Easter." The first soul stepped up and said, "Easter is a time when families come together to enjoy a turkey dinner and give thanks for their many blessings." St. Peter pointed downward and with that the soul vanished.
The second soul stepped up and said, "Easter is a holiday where people decorate a pine tree and place presents under it." Again St. Peter pointed downward and the soul vanished.
The third soul stepped up and said, "Easter is all about a man named Jesus who lived about 2,000 years ago. He spoke of the coming of God's kingdom and he performed many miracles. Soon the leaders of the temple became angry at him, so they had him put to death. Three days later, he arose from the dead and stepped out of his tomb...." At this, Saint Peter began to smile, until the soul continued... " Then Jesus saw his shadow and we had 6 more weeks of winter."
Best Jesus Joke: Second Place
So Jesus is hanging on the cross, all of his disciples are gone. Hiding in Jerusalem is Peter, trying to escape the Roman soldiers. All of a sudden Peter hears "Peter, Peter, it's me Jesus, come here." Instantly, Peter tries to run to him but he gets caught by the soldiers, they cut his leg off and take him to the village saying, "If we catch you again you're dead." Hours pass and again he hears, "Peter, Peter, come to me." Peter immediately tries to hop over to the cross but he's caught again. The soldiers cut of his other leg saying, "Is this a joke to you? One more time and you're dead!" They have mercy and throw him back in the village. Hours pass and again he hears, "Peter, you gotta come here, PETER!!" Peter builds up his courage, crawls and sneaks past the soldiers. Finally reaching Jesus he says, "Lord I made it, what is it?" Jesus opens his eyes and says. " I can see your house from here"
Best Jesus Joke Ever: First Place Winner!
Q: Why did Jesus cross the road?
A: He was nailed to a chicken.